A CHRISTMAS PSA, JUST FOR YOU

18 Dec. 2018

Dear Friends and Patriots,

oday I admit I’ve been searching for something special to give you for Christmas. I also admit I don’t consider a political diatribe to be a very good present. It’s easy for me to do such things, but who the heck wants that in their cyber-stocking on Christmas day? Not me! In searching around for something suitable I determined it would be best for me to give something very different; something in the nature of a Public Service Announcement (PSA). So, I hope you’re all receptive, because what you’re about to read is important, necessary, and may actually change your life. Please pay heed!

              Several years ago my younger sisters told me a toilet-training story. They told me of a time when my father got irritated at the rate of use of toilet paper in the house. That part I could relate to. After all, there were four females in the household and my father’s understanding of their peculiar needs could be somewhat primitive at times. My sisters swear he told them there was no excuse for using more than one square of toilet paper at a time and that to use anything more was entirely wasteful. I wish to caveat this tale now by stating my sisters have memories I don’t share, and that I often consider as figments of their collective imaginations. They’re identical twins, and twins are truly odd people on the best of days. I fully allow for the potential that this particular tale is a complete fiction made up out of whole cloth, or tissue paper, whatever the case might be. But, be that as it may, my father was legendary for his frugality, so I also have to allow for the potential that this tale could be 100% truth. I wanted to share it as an historical lead-in to my main theme.

              The subject today is toilet tissue usage, and some facts about its usage and non-usage.

              Let me dispense with that non-usage part first, lest your imagination starts running so wild you miss the major PSA being conveyed.

              In many cultures of the world there’s no such thing as toilet paper, except in whatever passes for major urban centers. I will now explore some of the alternative methods used instead, to the extent of my meager understanding.

              In France, which many unthinking people contend is a First World Country, many citizens eschew the use of said paper (use your Webster’s if you don’t comprende ‘eschew’).   Instead they use a porcelain convenience they call a bidet (buh-day’). You may also find bidets in some really fancy-schmansy homes in tony neighborhoods in America, so pay attention. I don’t think there are any in the White House, but there could be! The bidet usually is located right next to a traditional toilet fixture and is used to irrigate one’s nether regions for the purpose of cleaning with methods other than swiping with tissue paper. Having never had a bidet demonstrated for me, I can only assume some kind of detergent, soap, and possibly a cloth is involved. The point being, some cultures are so focused on the process of cleansing their backsides and other parts that they spend hefty amounts of money on special porcelain artifacts and extra plumbing to accommodate their odd fascination.   They think nothing of the extra water use involved.

              In other parts of the world they do other things. In some places you’ll discover particular plants are grown so their leaves can be harvested as cleaning aids. In other places you’ll find bunches of grass or other soft-leaved plants and even mosses are used for the same purpose. There are those who swear by the utility of small smooth stones, though I can’t immediately say where those places are. I know there are places where people simply squat over a pan of water and use their hands without any soap or anything. Then there are those places I never really want to go where people dedicate the use of their left hand to that particular chore. In those places the word used for ‘left’ is exactly the same word they use for ‘poop’ or its linguistic equivalent. In those places you’ll find a cultural taboo against using that left hand for anything else, and it’s considered a mortal offense to touch food or another human with that hand. As I said, those are places I never want to go, but I have lots of friends who’ve been. Few of them really want to talk about it.

              OKAY! So, are we ready to move on? Have we had enough of discussing what other people do or don’t do in other lands? Yeah, I thought as much, so let’s move along.

              In good old America, and in most places that strive to emulate us, you’ll find toilet chores are accompanied by the use of tissue paper taken from a large roll. In some places you’ll find said rolls of paper have no segmentation, but for most home use they do. In some European countries you may find said tissue sold as individual sheets with a texture reminiscent of sandpaper, crepe paper, or corrugated cardboard. Because I don’t want to dwell too far afield I’ll leave all those alternatives alone and focus mainly on home toilet tissue use in America. People in other places might want to pay heed. You could learn something that, as I said, might change your life.

              In America we’ve made toilet paper and its use some kind of science. There appear to be standardization only in the width of a roll. There are quite a number of variations in the diameter of rolls and they come in colors that vary from snow white to deepest black, and I admit I’ve seen some with Christmas red & green motifs, and it’s also available with prints that range from flowers to images of dollar bills. Evidently even in America there’s an odd toilet-focused sub-culture out there. I don’t actually know. I admit I’m pretty darned fundamental on this particular subject.

              American toilet paper also comes with a variety of quality factors in case customers want to be discriminating. There are brands that are almost see-through in their thickness, while others make you think of soft blankets. Then there are brands marketed as “softest,” “strongest,” and “most absorbent.” You all see the ads, so there’s actually little point in dwelling on any of those various attributes. When it comes to toilet paper, it can truly be said, “To each his own!” (Or ‘her,’ whichever the case may be. Note I don’t expand this consideration to any of the other 60 genders California recognizes.)

              I still haven’t narrowed my focus to my principle point. To lead into that I will state categorically that my point is 100% focused on the environment. I won’t claim anything regarding toilet paper contributes to Global Climate Change. I haven’t consulted Al Gore on that, so maybe it does, but I can’t verify that, so forget I mentioned it. But, there’s obviously an environmental aspect to toilet paper use that has to be considered. After all, we live in a throw-away society that has to deal with all kind of things we just toss aside. I don’t know about you, but I do consider used toilet paper to be something to get rid of pretty darned expeditiously.   Do I hear an “AMEN!”?

              The environmental sense of this PSA relates to just how many squares of toilet paper is most efficient for use. I know that sounds a tiny bit peculiar, but it’s a serious question that’s been the subject of serious investigation. I know.   I had that question rattling around in my head over several years and finally committed to some experimentation and research on the subject. I found I wasn’t alone in my concerns; that the questions had come up over and over again. In fact, the questions were first posed immediately after the paper companies started segmenting toilet paper into tearable sheets. People immediately wanted some references on how to properly use them. They wanted to know how many was too many, and if there were any laws to follow that might criminalize overuse. Yes, I found hundreds of questions posed by people just like me. In one sense I was crushed! I wasn’t going to be a pioneer on this subject, and my years of pondering on the question were actually a bit wasted. But, not totally. There are things to know here, and imparting those things is exactly what PSAing is about. Right? Right!

              After much study on the question I finally had to accept that science has adequately explored and answered it. There is a most efficient and effective way to use toilet paper. Now, I’m going to tell you all about it. (Does this remind you of those FB ads that lead you on for an hour before they try to sell you a condo in Equador?)

              There are two answers, actually. One is the proper and efficient use of a single sheet of toilet paper. Yes, Virginia, it’s true! I didn’t think so at first, but my father, if that tale of my sisters is even half-true, was half right. There’s a legitimate use for a single sheet. It’s only good for one thing – absorbing a couple of drops of liquid. Please forgive me for not conveying this truth more expansively, but I just plain don’t want to. Use your own imaginations, please! If you’re still a bit baffled on this one point, I’m certain you can “Google” up tomes-worth of studies that will convey this fact in details that will enthrall you for hours. But, not me, and not now. Let’s move on.

              It turns out that in the main the proper answer is ... three. Yes, three, as in three sheets. Not two and not four. Three! I’ll provide the Cliff’s Notes version of why that answer is indisputably correct. Pardon my brevity here, but I wasn’t a science major in college, and even if I was, scatology wouldn’t have been my chosen field. So, that being said, here goes.

              One sheet just will not do, for reasons previously stated. For the really heavy duty chores toilet paper is designed for, you just can’t use one sheet. If you try you’ll only poke holes in that sheet with your finger and will find yourself cursing your own foolishness. Is that clear? Make sure your kids understand this from an early age. They’ll thank you later on.

              Two sheets might do, but it’s not efficient. Two sheets is effective with decent quality paper and with a bit of care you won’t poke your fingers through and start that cursing thing all over again. So, two sheets will work and produces satisfactory results, but it has a drawback where efficiency is concerned ... you only get one swipe at success. Yes, it’s true, two sheets folded over only grants you one opportunity. With only two sheets it’s “fire and forget.” Scientific experimentation and statistical analysis bears out the inefficiency of it. So, for any of you two-sheeters out there – stop it! Stop it now! You’re causing an environmental catastrophe and I won’t stand for it!   You may not be as bad as those five-or-more sheet people, but you’re still wrong.

              I know what you might be thinking. Yes, I know some of you have already decided on four as the right number, haven’t you? If you have, you’re wrong again. Four is a good number alright. I like four. I have four fingers on each hand and four toes on each foot (wait, I need to check on that, I could be wrong about toes) and I know I’ve always valued that number. So four is a great number, but it’s not the right answer in this case. Okay, I know, you don’t get it, do you? It has to do with that efficiency thing again. While four is as effective as two, and in some instances possibly even more, it’s not maximally efficient. While it’s true that four can be folded ... twice ... it can’t usually be folded three times. That’s the precise reason it’s not as efficient as the right answer ... which is, as previously stated ... three.

              Okay, so now you know the secret. The real and only answer to the maximally efficient and effective use of toilet paper is three. Three sheets. No more, and no less. Three sheets, folded in half, does the heavy duty job of two, but has the added feature of lending itself to re-folding and taking one more swipe at things. Yes, it’s true! I’ve read all the scientific studies and I believe it. And, to add to the efficiency of three sheets, there’s no wasted waste. Four works exactly the same, but because it can’t be re-re-folded and re-re-used, it’s less efficient than three.

              While I admit these explanations are entirely too cursory to fully satisfy your need for validation, I think I’ve given you enough to go off and do that critical thinking stuff I’m always preaching about. Pose your own set of “Why?” questions and find the answers. If you do that halfway right you’ll surely arrive at exactly the same conclusions I have. When you do, make sure and share your knowledge with all your relatives, friends, and neighbors. Let them help us save Planet Earth from the certain destruction that will ultimately occur if mankind doesn’t learn the proper way of using toilet paper. I know you’ll feel like an enviro-hero once you’ve done so. I know I do, having written this infinitely valuable PSA for all of you.

              Now that I’ve given you a great Christmas present, I hope you all will have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, with full confidence that you will always be doing the right thing in the future use of your TP.   You don’t have to thank me for all this. I was already rewarded this morning.

In Liberty, and with some semblance of humor (?),

Steve